


You're still here

by LittleGrayTurtle



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, like i know how to tag pf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 04:05:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18490972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleGrayTurtle/pseuds/LittleGrayTurtle
Summary: It's been months. But months are not enough when our house is still so full of you.sam smith - palace





	You're still here

**Author's Note:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

His husband was hugging him from behind, his sharp teeth nibbling on Aoi’s neck. The view was breathtaking. A huge set of mountains was presenting itself to their eyes in all of its glory. Even though it was quite a chilly morning, Aoi didn’t feel it at all. Thanks to his personal heater radiating towards him not only warmth, but also love.. Unlimited amount of love. Just as the tip of an orange sun was rising from between the mountains, Uruha sealed his his feelings with a whispered ‘I love you beautiful.’ into Aoi’s ear. Of course he couldn’t resist being a tease and thuggin on Aoi’s lobule with his teeth.

A throbbing headache woke Aoi up from one of the sweetest dreams. He refused to open his eyes and let go of that vision. He prayed hard to every god to let him go to sleep for just one more hour, live that lie for sixty more minutes. Yet the pain didn’t want to go away. Aoi clenched his eyes as hard as he could and buried his head into the pillow. 

Aoi’s tired to convince himself he still could smell his husband on it. That the familiar scent remained for over three months in that dirty pillow he was sleeping on every day. With all of the tears he has cried into it there was no way it smelled like Uruha anymore. But when he was taking five big drags in a row and his head was getting dizzy from the hyperventilation and he has convinced himself it was Uruha’s scent. 

It was the same with seeking out the warmth of his husband. Every morning he wanted to believe that he could still feel the faint heat left on the other side of the bed. He has tried to convince himself Uruha just went to work and he is going to see him once again in the evening. All exhausted but still professional in his perfectly fitting suit. And he wanted to believe that he was still the only one who could make Uruha smile so widely even after such a hard day of work. 

Every single lie he’s told himself made every morning harder. Even though time heals most of the wounds, it was hopeless in Aoi’s case. Because every minute he just kept scratching on all of his cuts, making them bleed. Sometimes he was sitting on a couch, pulling his nails through his skin until the streaks became redder and redder. And he wouldn’t stop unless he felt sticky liquid form under his nails. That’s what he thought he deserved. 

In the mornings he would usually spend an hour after waking up just rolling around the king-sized bed and trying to recreate every position in which he used to sleep with Uruha. He would desperately throw the duvet over his head, pretending it was Uruha’s chest that he was sleeping against. 

But today was different. The physical pain wouldn’t go away. It was persistent no matter what kind of scenario he made up in his head. To the point when it forced him to sat up on the bed. And it only resulted in a wave of nausea going through his body. He automatically reached to the bedside where he only keeped a glass of water. Instead of glass in his hand, soon there was an empty sound of something heavy landing on the wooden floor. 

Aoi leaned in to look with a hazy eyes on what he has done. An empty bottle of beer was rolling on the floor. That explained the throbbing headache and nausea. It also reminded Aoi that today was the day. Second Saturday of the month. That’s why he’s got so drunk yesterday. To get ready and cleanse himself before the next day. 

Quite unwillingly, Aoi got out of bed and picked up the empty bottle, slowly heading to the corridor. With the first steps he took into the hallway he cursed Uruha for being so stubborn about having carpet. It was one hell of a job to clean it, especially when Aoi kept spilling beer or any other kind of drink on the floor. Then he remembered the real reason behind it. Because Uruha wanted their future child to be able to walk barefoot in the house. He has read in some kind of parenting guide it was the best for the proper sole and posture development.

His heart was electrolyzed with a stronger wave of pain when he passed the dark blue door to a child’s room. 

As he was walking down the stairs gripping the handrail tightly to keep balance, he kept on thinking how it has all started. About that one day Uruha brought him to this street and showed him an empty allotment. His dark eyes were glistening with happiness when he was looking at Aoi’s shocked face. 

‘What do you think?’ Uruha smirked. ‘Do you think we could build a house together?’

‘Uruha… Are you serious?’ 

‘Dead serious.’ He chuckled in his low voice, took Aoi’s arm under his own and lead deeper into the field. ‘We could have a little garden, maybe even a pool. Definitely a huge house. With a dog, preferably.’ 

‘You know I am allergic, right?’ 

‘Of course I know. We don’t have to let the dog into the house after all, right? Ahhh.’ Uruha sighed and stopped right in the middle of the allotment. He threw his arm around Aoi and pulled him closer. ‘All of this ours. And most importantly, no neighbours so I can fuck you as hard as I want at any time I want.’ 

‘Idiot!’ Aoi pretended to be offended and fake-punched his husband in the stomach. ‘Can we afford it, though?’ 

‘We can. If we both keep on working as we are working now, we can definitely buy it.’ Uruha pulled Aoi even closer and gently kissed him on the forehead. ‘We will work it out.’ 

Those were the words that were stuck in Aoi’s mind.  _ We will work it out _ . It was all it took for Aoi to believe they could do anything they wanted. Just to Uruha say ‘We will work it out.’. Suddenly a new wave of nausea went through his body so he run to the kitchen and started convulsing above the sink. But nothing came out of his mouth. He spat into the sink. 

When he came back to the reality he felt a new sting of pain inside his head as well as in his palm tightly clenched on the empty beer bottle. With annoyance he opened the shelf under the sink to throw the bottle out and turned around to fish out a jar of painkillers from one of the shelves. He popped the lid open and threw few of the pills on his hand. He didn’t even bother with counting them, just threw them straight into his throat, cringing at the bitter taste. It is not that he gave any damn about what happened to him after  _ he _ was out of his life. 

Shortly Aoi was sitting on the leather couch in the living room, turning the tv on. Morning news. Great. He started looking through all of the cigarette boxes that were lying on the coffee table to find a cigarette in one of them.

‘ _ Thunderstorms are expected in the area of east Japan. Please be careful and do not leave the house if it’s not needed.’ _

‘As if.’ Aoi said before lighting up a cigarette and turning off the tv. He took an ashtray and placed it on the couch. He puffed out the smoke out of his lungs with a loud sigh. It seemed like the void in him was burning. The void that he was trying to fill with alcohol, with overworking himself or even overstuffing himself with junk food. 

It was a constant feeling of emptiness. For few months he felt like he was sitting stuck in a dark, small room with no windows or doors. With all of his body parts and guts ripped off him, lying in a pile before him. Suspecting that he was supposed to put it all back together but there was just no way he even knew where to start. 

The living room was quickly filled with the disgusting cigarette smell. But it still was one of the scents that reminded Aoi of Uruha. Of the very first years of their relationship when they were just two rebellious punks, thinking life was bed of roses. And Aoi couldn’t not smile at the memory of Uruha picking him up on his motorcycle just to drive around the town until they both have gotten bored. 

As they were getting older, life began on setting the bar higher and higher, throwing new challenges at them. Getting office jobs. Family problems. Fights about unimportant things. But somehow they have always managed to push through it all. They worked it out together. And even though with the time passing they became more and more serious, what Aoi treasured the most was that they stayed true to their rock’n’roll roots. 

Obviously, Uruha did look astonishingly handsome in a well-fitted suit every time that he was coming back from work. But there was nothing that could top the way Uruha looked in a loose band t-shirt every time they went out for a gig. How the two-days stubble felt on Aoi’s face when they kissed passionately, all covered in sweat after a concert. 

Aoi started humming one of the rock ballads they danced to after sharing meal and drinking a bottle of wine. The memories of slightly intoxicated Uruha looking at him with the sparkly eyes full of love completely overtook him. He felt tears forming in the corners of his eyes. But there was no more Uruha there to gently wipe the streams away with the tip of his thumb. There wouldn’t be a soft comforting kiss on the forehead coming. And Aoi knew very well that he didn’t deserve it anymore. 

He put off the rest of the cigarette, together with the memories. Aoi needed a long, warm shower to was the hangover away. Before standing  up, he considered the option of a quick cleaning up of the messy living room. But decided against it. Not that it really matter how the house looked like inside when he didn’t let anyone in. He would clean up if Uruha were to come back.

And he is going to come back one day, right? Aoi asked himself, hot water running down his naked body. The temperature of the water was definitely far too high for a human being. Maybe he was trying to burn out the parts of him that still believed Uruha was coming back. Or perhaps he needed the steam to cover up the glass with fog so Aoi’s body would be hidden from the world. The neglected body he grew to be so ashamed of. 

Even though he was aware of how unhealthy he looked, just because it was  _ that _ day he was paying extra attention to fake that he still was handsome. He was thoroughly brushing his shoulder-length hair. It was slightly longer than what Uruha thought looked the most flattering on him. But Aoi were to make up for it with a delicate dark, smudged lines on his eyelids. Even after putting on the eyeliner it was easy to recognize that Aoi was quite unhealthy. It was the best that he could do, though. 

Just as he opened one of the drawers in the closet to choose a fresh pair of jeans, he immediately focused on the empty part of it. A thick layer of dust was covering the wooden bottom. Unconsciously Aoi run a finger on the surface, gathering the dust. He crumbled the dirt between his fingers, considering how long it has been since they left. And how fresh was the overwhelming feeling of not being complete. He clenched his eyes closed, recognizing the tears were about to flow out of them. 

When he opened them, there was Uruha. Standing right before him. Cautiously taking the clothes out of the very same drawer and placing them in a luggage. The silence between them was so heavy you could physically feel it in the air. Only quiet sobbing could be heard in the small room. Aoi’s sobbing. 

‘Uruha,’ Aoi started, his voice trembling. ‘You know this didn’t mean anything to me. I am stupid, I made this horrible mistake, but I never meant it. You know I am all yours.’ 

The only thing that he’s got in return was a deep, tired sigh. For a second or two Uruha stopped folding the clothes, considering speaking up. But decided against it, taking out another pair of pants out of the drawer instead. And it was breaking Aoi’s heart. He knew he had no right to feel that way, when he was the one screwing everything up. But the indifference in Uruha’s behaviour, it was killing him. 

‘Uruha please’ Aoi cried out. He bursted out in tears. ‘Please, say something. Do something’ he begged. ‘Shout at me, call me a slut. Punch me. Anything!’ 

Uruha dropped the pair of sweatpants in the suitcase without folding it this time. He turned towards Aoi and glared at him with disappointment in his eyes. No resentment, no hatred. Just sorrow. ‘How’ Uruha stated more than asked. ‘How on Earth am I supposed to turn at you, look you in the eyes and shout at you, Aoi.’

‘I cheated on…’ Aoi begun on explaining but was immediately cut off by Uruha. 

‘Yes, you did. But you know what I found myself thinking about when I learnt the truth?’ Uruha asked. He closed his eyes for a second before admitting to probably one of the most irrational thoughts that has ever formed in his mind. ‘I questioned myself why. What made you do that. You cheat on me and the first thought in my head is what have I done for him to lie to me like that.’ 

‘You know this isn’t your fault’ Aoi choked out through tears and made a step forward towards Uruha. ‘I am an idiot.’

‘Yes, I know’ Uruha took a step back. ‘And yes, you are. Believe me Aoi, I wish I could get mad at you, throw a fist in your face, call you names. Because that is what you deserve.’ 

‘Do it’ Aoi whispered, fully aware what Uruha told him was the truth itself.

‘And I wish I could tell you how much I hate the fact that I built the future with someone who turned out to be a liar and a cheater’ Uruha continued.He turned back to the luggage, threw few t-shirts into it and zipped it up quickly.‘But you are the love of my life, Aoi. I look at your face and I all I can think about is how hopelessly I am in love with you. Because even right now, nothing hurts me more than seeing you cry, Aoi.’

‘You don’t have to go’ Aoi sobbed. Even though the words coming out of Uruha’s moth were so lovely, the fact that he was calling him by his name, had a certain coldness to it. And Aoi was well aware of it. ‘We can work it out, as we always do’ he tried to get closer to Uruha once again. Only for a suitcase to bar his way to his husband.

‘I have to, Aoi’ Uruha said, confidently. ‘It is better for both of us. For all three of us, actually. I cannot possibly live here anymore. I can’t sleep in a bed I know my husband cheated on me in. The walls of my dream house are filled with lies and secrets. I can’t trust you anymore, Aoi. You made a fool out of me. You wrecked all of dreams we made true.’ 

No, Uruha, the walls are filled with the ghost of you, Aoi thought, pulling in a driveway. He parked his car. Fresh oxygen hit his lungs thanks to a deep breath he took. As soon as he opened the door he heard a familiar voice coming from the front door. 

‘Dad!’ A 6 years old girl was running towards him, a huge smile on her face. ‘I missed you!’

Aoi was immediately catching his daughter in his arms and picking her up. At that moment every bit of worry and sadness was washed out of his body. And he couldn’t not burst out in laugh when he felt the small arms wrapping around his neck. ‘Look at my girl!’ he squished the little body closer to him, careful not to actually cause any pain. ‘I missed you so much, darling.’

He meant it. Aoi meant it with his whole heart. His daughter was the only person left on this planet that gave him warmth and could take all of the problems away for a moment. Aoi lived his life waiting for the two blessed weekends in a month that he had the right to see her. It was much more than he deserved after what he has done, he was aware of that. But he was lucky enough for Uruha to understand how much he cared for this girl. 

There he was, the Uruha himself walking towards them. In his ugly yellow crocs, Aoi giggled. That one sick and lonely part of him let him believe for a second or two Uruha was heading to embrace both of them in a hug, sandwiching their daughter between two people that loved her the most. Mostly because his ex-husband was smiling widely on his way to them. But those dreams were shattered when Uruha reached out his hand to greet Aoi in a very official way. 

‘Hey Aoi’ Uruha said while shaking Aoi’s hand. ‘How’s life going?’

‘Pretty good, thanks’ Aoi answered, well aware that both of them knew it was a lie. ‘You?’

‘We’re going great’ Uruha ruffled hair of his daughter. ‘Right, princess?’

‘Dad!’ she huffed. ‘Stop ruining my hair!’ 

‘Okay, okay, I am sorry’ Uruha chuckled. ‘Have fun today, but don’t cause any trouble.’ 

‘She never causes any trouble’ Aoi kissed his daughter on the forehead. ‘I will be stealing her now, if I may.’

Uruha nodded and wished them to take care, be careful and have fun. He helped the girl to be securely seated in a car seat in the back of Aoi’s car. Uruha waved them both goodbye as the car was slowly leaving the driveway. 

Aoi looked into the car mirror to make sure his little girl was comfortable. But in the background he spotted there was a man standing in the doorway to Uruha’s house, waiting for Uruha with open arms. Unconsciously, he hit the brakes, car abruptly stopping.

‘Dad? What’s going on?’ the girl asked, worried.

‘Nothing, sweetheart, just saw something in the mirror. Aoi fired out. He felt a familiar glob forming inside his throat. You can’t start crying, you can’t start crying, he repeated in his head like a mantra. He calmed down and started the car once again. 

‘That’s dad’s new boyfriend, Reita’ his daughter explained. 

Aoi regretted mentioning that something in the mirror. He really didn’t want to hear it said out loud. Especially by his little daughter. Come on, get your shit together Aoi, he thought. ‘Really? Is he cool?’

‘Yes, he is very nice’ she said. ‘Sometimes he shows me funny tricks with his fingers and he can answer all of my questions!’ 

‘That’s great!’ Aoi shouted, maybe a little bit too enthusiastically. 

Aoi once again looked in the car mirror. He saw his soulmate being hugged by a men that wasn’t him. There was no jealousy in him, though. Because he knew he had no right to be jealous. He was aware that moving on was the best thing Uruha could do. It was the one thing Aoi couldn’t do. Not when Uruha was still haunting every corner of his house. And his mind.

Don’t screw it up like I did, Reita, Aoi thought. Before taking a turn from the driveway, he allowed himself a one, single tear to roll down his cheek. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> strong 2/10 but when you can't write angst then you should write angst right  
> idk i wrote this at 3am i don't even know if it makes sense 
> 
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯¯\\_(ツ)_/¯¯\\_(ツ)_/¯¯\\_(ツ)_/¯¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


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